There are several variations of a quote that goes something like, “People can inspire you or they can drain you…choose wisely.” Sage advice if it’s true that we become like the people we spend the most time with. We need to invest in relationships that will bring out the best in us, and be careful around those whose disagreeable traits could rub off on us.
Don’t you think it’s pretty easy to tell the difference? When I think of those who inspire me, I can rattle off several reasons why. The same goes for those who drain me (that sounds harsh, I know). Here’s how that looks to me:
Inspiring
expresses love
encourages
compliments
looks for the positive
cheerful disposition
instills courage in others
sees the good in others
expresses gratitude
patient
smiles
warm
pays attention
brings people together
engages
tries new things
shares
speech reflects a Phil. 4:8 mind
Draining
complains
criticizes
points out the negative
finds fault
fuels drama
angers easily
impatient
gossips
self-absorbed
always a victim
puts others down
sarcastic
argumentative
interrupts
moody
distracted
doesn’t do anything they don’t want to
With as much grace as possible, you can probably think of the people in your circle and see which list they tend to fall under. It’s a fairly easy discernment to make, right?
Okay, having said all that…it wouldn’t be very fair for this quote to be so one-sided. Otherwise it becomes a selfish exercise.
You’re good for me. Let’s hang out.
I’m tired of your constant griping. Buh-bye.
The rest of the quote should be something like, “Youcan inspire others or you can drain them. Choose wisely.” Perhaps this should be our greater focus. Instead of inspecting the strengths and flaws of others, what if we looked a little closer at ourselves in light of those two lists? Ah, but this is not as easy to discern because I know the excuses behind my complaints and criticisms. I know I’m exhausted, or in the midst of a trial, or disappointed, or having the worst day ever… Whatever the reason, the effect is the same. My attitude impacts those around me. With every encounter, I am defining myself as an inspirer or a drainer, and I am the only one who chooses which it shall be.
I know which one I want to be. How about you? No one’s going to perfectly live out the inspiring list, and I know for a fact that there are some doozies on that drainer list that I need to work on. Let’s commit to bringing out the best in each other, okay?
I have always been a hugger. Even as a child, I hugged everyone in church. I enjoyed it and naturally assumed that everyone else did, too. A few years ago I learned that some people aren’t crazy about it. In addition to hugging, I have always been a hand-holder during prayers. Whether in worship, fellowship, our home table, or at a restaurant, it was a very natural thing for me to grab the hands of the people next to me. It never dawned on me that some people don’t care for that. I now know that there are many who are so uncomfortable if someone grabs their hand that they can hardly focus on the prayer itself.
I’m ashamed to admit that my initial reaction to these discoveries wasn’t great. My first thought was, “What is wrong with them?” I could hardly fathom the idea of someone not liking a hug because to me, hugs equaled warmth and affection. My second reaction was selfish and resentful. “What about my wants and needs? Surely my soul will shrivel up in such a sterile, non-hugging environment!” And then my pride reared its ugly head. “Fine. See if I ever offer warmth and affection ever again.” After all, I felt a bit foolish. How many people had I hugged through the years without realizing my actions made them uncomfortable? Yes, I let Satan have a heyday with my heart.
How many lessons have I heard (and taught!) about the “others above self” mentality of Philippians 2? Or the kind of love that leads to unity from Romans 12? Or the “love for one another” that Jesus said identifies us as His followers in John 13? Yet there I was wrestling with it all when surprised by another point of view. Apparently it’s all well and good for us to have differences until it affects me personally or calls for me to make a change. I wish I could say that I recognized my self-problem as quickly as it took me to acknowledge it in these couple of paragraphs. But I am grateful for a couple of things I did finally see through the process.
Growth. Learning that there are some who don’t like hugs forced me to step out of my comfort zone. I’m an introvert and find it way easier to express love, joy, concern, or sympathy through hugs than through words. It also gave me an opportunity to see my unintentional self-centeredness. I realized I have to actually learn about others in order to know how they need to receive love. I need to pay attention to them instead of assuming they think, feel, and act like I do. Imagine that!
Jesus said, “Love one another even as I have loved you” (John 13:34). He had just demonstrated that love through the humble service of foot washing. He said, “I gave you an example that you also should do as I did to you” (v. 15). He also said, “If you know these things, you are blessed if you do them” (v. 17). Knowing and doing are two different things. How easy it is to get caught up in our rights and our feelings, to swallow Satan’s lie that our own happiness reigns supreme! But when we do, we make ourselves miserable. Jesus knows what’s best for His body, including each individual part, including me. Focusing on self doesn’t lead to happiness. The blessed life comes from caring more about others. It causes growth, stretching, learning, and experiencing in ways that we can’t when we’re wrapped up in ourselves.
Grace. I learned about the folks who don’t like hand-holding in a social media thread. Someone posted a question about it and I was amazed at all the comments. My eyes landed on one comment about a woman’s complete discomfort with having her hand held and I thought, “Oh no…I know for a fact that I’ve grabbed her hand during a prayer!”
It took me a while to realize that people have been extending grace to me for a long time. I was in my 40s before I learned that some people don’t like hugs or hand-holding. Why is that? Because no one ever rejected a hug from me or pushed me away or embarrassed me by saying, “I’d rather you not do that.” Even though they didn’t really care for it, they cared for me. That’s just the way I am and so they put up with it, at their own expense. I’m humbled by the realization.
Jesus poured water in the basin and went from one set of dirty feet to another. I put myself in His place as He came upon the feet of Judas. I imagine I would whisper, “Nope,” and move on to the next disciple. But the next disciple is Peter. It blows my mind that Jesus knew they would soon betray Him and deny Him but He knelt down before them anyway. He offered grace in advance.
I rarely reach for a hand during prayer unless it’s immediate family, and I’m a lot less likely to hug someone when I see them. But you’ll be relieved to know that my soul didn’t shrivel up after all. I’ve learned that people express warmth and affection in lots of different ways, and they’re good ways! I could’ve saved myself some heartache if I had been more like Jesus with grace in advance. Intentional grace. Others will not always understand me and I will not always understand them. But I can determine ahead of time how I will respond when this happens. With love and grace, we can grow through this.
“My happiness or yours” sounds like something that could foster a begrudging mindset. “One of us must lose and so I guess as a Christian I should let you win and have your way.” Satan would love that. There’s no love there or compassion or grace or unity. Just keeping track and keeping score. Jesus taught a different mindset: lay aside yourself for the good of others. And followed that up with His promise, “You will be blessed.”
I have always been a hugger. Even as a child, I hugged everyone in church. I enjoyed it and naturally assumed that everyone else did, too. A few years ago I learned that some people aren’t crazy about it. In addition to hugging, I have always been a hand-holder during prayers. Whether in worship, fellowship, our home table, or at a restaurant, it was a very natural thing for me to grab the hands of the people next to me. It never dawned on me that some people don’t care for that. I now know that there are many who are so uncomfortable if someone grabs their hand that they can hardly focus on the prayer itself.
I’m ashamed to admit that my initial reaction to these discoveries wasn’t great. My first thought was, “What is wrong with them?” I could hardly fathom the idea of someone not liking a hug because to me, hugs equaled warmth and affection. My second reaction was selfish and resentful. “What about my wants and needs? Surely my soul will shrivel up in such a sterile, non-hugging environment!” And then my pride reared its ugly head. “Fine. See if I ever offer warmth and affection ever again.” After all, I felt a bit foolish. How many people had I hugged through the years without realizing my actions made them uncomfortable? Yes, I let Satan have a heyday with my heart.
How many lessons have I heard (and taught!) about the “others above self” mentality of Philippians 2? Or the kind of love that leads to unity from Romans 12? Or the “love for one another” that Jesus said identifies us as His followers in John 13? Yet there I was wrestling with it all when surprised by another point of view. Apparently it’s all well and good for us to have differences until it affects me personally or calls for me to make a change. I wish I could say that I recognized my self-problem as quickly as it took me to acknowledge it in these couple of paragraphs. But I am grateful for a couple of things I did finally see through the process.
Growth. Learning that there are some who don’t like hugs forced me to step out of my comfort zone. I’m an introvert and find it way easier to express love, joy, concern, or sympathy through hugs than through words. It also gave me an opportunity to see my unintentional self-centeredness. I realized I have to actually learn about others in order to know how they need to receive love. I need to pay attention to them instead of assuming they think, feel, and act like I do. Imagine that!
Jesus said, “Love one another even as I have loved you” (John 13:34). He had just demonstrated that love through the humble service of foot washing. He said, “I gave you an example that you also should do as I did to you” (v. 15). He also said, “If you know these things, you are blessed if you do them” (v. 17). Knowing and doing are two different things. How easy it is to get caught up in our rights and our feelings, to swallow Satan’s lie that our own happiness reigns supreme! But when we do, we make ourselves miserable. Jesus knows what’s best for His body, including each individual part, including me. Focusing on self doesn’t lead to happiness. The blessed life comes from caring more about others. It causes growth, stretching, learning, and experiencing in ways that we can’t when we’re wrapped up in ourselves.
Grace. I learned about the folks who don’t like hand-holding in a social media thread. Someone posted a  question about it and I was amazed at all the comments. My eyes landed on one comment about a woman’s complete discomfort with having her hand held and I thought, “Oh no…I know for a fact that I’ve grabbed her hand during a prayer!”
It took me a while to realize that people have been extending grace to me for a long time. I was in my 40s before I learned that some people don’t like hugs or hand-holding. Why is that? Because no one ever rejected a hug from me or pushed me away or embarrassed me by saying, “I’d rather you not do that.” Even though they didn’t really care for it, they cared for me. That’s just the way I am and so they put up with it, at their own expense. I’m humbled by the realization.
Jesus poured water in the basin and went from one set of dirty feet to another. I put myself in His place as He came upon the feet of Judas. I imagine I would whisper, “Nope,” and move on to the next disciple. But the next disciple is Peter. It blows my mind that Jesus knew they would soon betray Him and deny Him but He knelt down before them anyway. He offered grace in advance.Â
I rarely reach for a hand during prayer unless it’s immediate family, and I’m a lot less likely to hug someone when I see them. But you’ll be relieved to know that my soul didn’t shrivel up after all. I’ve learned that people express warmth and affection in lots of different ways, and they’re good ways! I could’ve saved myself some heartache if I had been more like Jesus with grace in advance. Intentional grace. Others will not always understand me and I will not always understand them. But I can determine ahead of time how I will respond when this happens. With love and grace, we can grow through this.
“My happiness or yours” sounds like something that could foster a begrudging mindset. “One of us must lose and so I guess as a Christian I should let you win and have your way.” Satan would love that. There’s no love there or compassion or grace or unity. Just keeping track and keeping score. Jesus taught a different mindset: lay aside yourself for the good of others. And followed that up with His promise, “You will be blessed.”
Do you know that perfect married couple? Â They look happy together. Â They’re always holding hands and seem to have it all figured out. Â People look to them for advice. Â They’re the hashtag-relationship-goals of social media. Â I could name some couples that fall into this category for me. Â I’m grateful for their example of marital bliss, and their PDA posts make me smile.
Neal and I are not that perfect married couple. Â A superficial glimpse might make it appear that we are. Â We do hold hands. Â We do say nice things to and about each other on social media. Â We’ve been asked to teach the occasional marriage seminar. Â And so every now and then someone will remark on our relationship as being “exemplary” or some other thoughtful description. Â I thank them because I appreciate their kindness but inwardly I cringe and think, “Far from it.” Â We agree to teach about marriage because we can study what God’s Word has to say about it. Â After nearly 27 years together, we can share some lessons we’ve learned from experience (some of them the hard way). Â But we have had our own struggles and are still learning and growing, one year at a time. Â We’ve hurt each other and let each other down. Â As a wife, I’ve been guilty of lying, betraying, sulking, and manipulating. Â Some of those hurtful things I knew I was doing in the moment. Â Some of them I only realized later when I looked back over my behavior. Â Our marriage has had rocky times because of the pressures of trials. Â And our marriage has had rough patches because of the consequences of our own choices. Â We’ve had to practice forgiveness, patience, and grace. Â No, we are not that perfect married couple.
But we are a married couple and our God is perfect.
I’ve been reminded of this truth a couple of times this week. Â Take a look at these “perfect” couples.
I met this couple last night. Â They got married at ages 15 and 17, and have been married for 55 years. Â I asked them separately what has held them together for over half a century, especially since they started out so young. Â Without hesitating, each of them said, “God.” Â For them, it was as simple as that. Â When they were standing together again, I pointed out that they each gave the same one-word answer. Â She laughed and said, “Without God, I would’ve kicked him out a long time ago!” Â They went on to add other advice, like the importance of giving 100% instead of 50/50 (and making that determination each new day).
I met this couple two nights ago. Â They’ve been married for 67 years! Â It didn’t take long to figure out what has held them together. Â She told me their first date was at Mammoth Cave. Â He nodded and said, “I should’ve left her down there.” Â He shared their secret to commitment: Â “Divorce never crossed our minds. Â Murder did, once or twice, but divorce was never an option.” Â We all laughed and they looked at each other with a twinkle in their eyes that gave me a glimpse of the young couple they once were. Â I loved their sense of humor and strong faith (made obvious by supporting a gospel meeting on a weeknight). Â I imagine 67 years has given them a few stories of hardships and struggles but they are still together, still sharing some laughs, and still holding hands.
These are the real, perfect married couples. Â I don’t know them well enough to see beyond the superficial. Â But I do know that they’ve entrusted their marriages to their perfect God. Â How blessed we are to enjoy life together, find reasons to smile, and keep holding hands despite our imperfections!
Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us (Eph. 3:20).
Some people are just hard to please. Â No amount of effort is enough. Â No task is done right. Â Even thoughtful gestures or gifts are received in such a way as to let you know you fell short somehow. Â Trying to please the hard-to-please person is wearying. Â After a while, I don’t even want to try.
I wonder if some have this view of God. Â They feel like they can never serve enough to please Him. Â No sacrifice is great enough and no amount of effort will satisfy His demands. Â This view of God is not biblical. Â Yes, He wants us to be “living sacrifices” (Rom. 12:1). Â Yes, He wants us to put Him first (Matt. 6:33). Â And yes, He even wants us to strive to live as righteously as possible (Gal. 5:19-21). Â But He is very pleased with our efforts to do just that. Â How do I know? Â Two words: Â blood and grace.
Blood.  We’re all going to sin (Rom. 3:23).  Even the most faithful Christian will stumble (1 John 1:8).  Instead of being hard to please, God made it possible for us to still be pleasing to Him.  “But if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin” (1 John 1:7).  “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).  We don’t have to worry about never being good enough because the God we serve is faithful and righteous to forgive.
Grace. Â Day by day the blood of Christ is washing away my imperfections, and day by day the grace of God is strengthening my heart (Heb. 13:9). Â Right after we’re told that we all sin and fall short of the glory of God, we’re also told that we “are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus” (Rom. 3:24). Â Instead of being hard to please, God has given us this beautiful gift (Eph. 2:8). Â He gives this gift of grace to us in abundance (2 Pet. 1:2). Â And He wants this grace to give us confidence, knowing that we can turn to Him for help at any time (Heb. 4:16). Â Troy Woolery, a graduate of the Bear Valley Bible Institute, said, “When we’re lacking, grace fills in the gaps.”
“I’ll never be good enough.”  This sentiment causes some nonChristians to put off obeying the gospel because they feel they’ll never be able to measure up.  It causes some Christians to want to quit because they feel like they can never get it right.  Who wants the nonChristian to reject salvation?  Who wants the Christian to give up in despair?  It’s not God.  Instead of feeling like we can never be good enough, He wants us to know that He has made us more than enough.
“Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.”
Have you ever spent time around a couple or a family that ridiculed each other? Â Whether it was under the guise of teasing or flat-out verbal lashing, you could feel the tension and contempt. Â I don’t know about you, but I don’t like it. Â I don’t like being around couples that mock each other in such a way as to make a point. Â It makes me uncomfortable. Â I don’t like being around families that have nothing but scorn for one another. Â It makes me want to run away. Â And it’s just so sad. Â Where’s the love and respect? Â What have they experienced together that created such bitterness? Â It makes me shake my head.
May Christians never treat each other in such a way that our non-Christian friends shake their head. Â The church is the household of God (Eph. 2:19), and we’re to treat each other brotherly, sisterly, fatherly (1 Tim. 5:1,2). Â We’re to “love one another with brotherly affection” and “outdo one another in showing honor” (Rom. 12:10). Â These aren’t just words to read but actions to put into practice! Â How does the world SEE us loving and honoring fellow Christians?
In an effort to keep from being seen as harsh and judgmental, we’ve gotten good at extending grace to the worldly. Â Let’s not neglect to extend grace to our brothers and sisters in Christ as well. Â Instead of being quick to publicly point out what Christians are doing wrong or how they’ve let us down, shouldn’t we be working hard to show the world that fellow Christians are our favorite (John 13:34,35)?
I just don’t think that “fighting the good fight” means fighting each other. In the same chapter, Paul warns against those who have an “unhealthy craving for controversy and for quarrels about words, which produce envy, dissension, slander, evil suspicions, and constant friction” (1 Tim. 6:4,5).  In the same chapter, Paul encourages us to “pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness” (v. 11).  That’s how we “fight the good fight of faith” (v. 12).  That’s how we “keep the commandment unstained and free from reproach until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ” (v. 14).
Because we have received grace, let’s freely extend grace to all, Christian and non-Christian alike. Â Let’s draw the world to Christ by showing them something they’ll want to have for themselves. Â I’m naturally drawn to couples and families that are kind and loving toward each other. Â I want to be with them. Â I want to learn from them and share in their joy. Â What an opportunity we have as Christians to attract others to Christ by the way we honor, promote, love, and lift up each other!
“So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith” (Gal. 6:10, emphasis mine).
Life and Favor (Job 10:12) 